Crossing the NM to CO border…

It’s like a switch in my head. When I go home, the switch goes to ‘off,’ with Ed speaking to me very quietly, so quietly that I can shut him out most of the time. During the 4-hour car ride back to school, a transition occurs. When I am here, Ed has a lot of power, and sometimes even a little control. My hunger cues are diminishing, and I can’t trust myself to create portion sizes because automatically, I will put less food on my plate than there probably should be. I think about the causes, the triggers, wondering why this happens every time I’m at school. And then it hits me (or it hits my therapist). At home, I am 100% myself, telling my parents exactly what ‘s on my mind, when I am upset etc. When I am at school, my self-identity is overpowered by my ‘fake’ identity, the way I want people to see me. My goal for the week is to be more real and honest to myself, acknowledging my true feelings, rather than slyly shoving them away, as is routine for me. Hopefully, this will lead to honesty with my friends as well.

While I feel like I am slowly making progress (very slowly), such events as the one from last night really knocked me off track. During a big conversation about weight and joking around about how my friend wants to gain 200 lbs because it’d be funny, (which I was handling just fine), my friend, a boy, asked me how much I weigh. A little disgruntled, I said: “I am not telling you that!” He and another friend proceeded to guess my weight. Not realizing at the time that whatever weight they guessed for me, I would freak out, I let them continue to guess, going down in number, starting at 110, ending at 100. To their surprise, I was more than that. First of all, no boy should ever talk to girls about their weight; no girl ever wants boys, or anyone, to know. And second of all, one of the friends knows about Ed. I left the conversation, feeling nauseous, with Ed saying to me that “See, if they think you should be 105 or 110, that should be your new goal.” No, no, no. He’s got it all wrong. I didn’t listen to him, but I was up for the majority of the night.

As I grudgingly sit in my apartment this morning, still feeling nauseous but forcing myself to eat, I think of my mother’s words, which seem to save me on the daily. “Each bite is a smack in the face for Ed. Whatever he tells you to do, do the opposite.” I know that if I want to make it through the year, and go abroad for 5 weeks, I need to stay strong. I can’t let these conversations eat away at me (no pun intended). I just wish this wasn’t so difficult. 

Back to School

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 After a successful trip to Europe, I have 2 weeks to recuperate before returning to school. My worries are diminishing as my faith in myself is increasing. I think I can do it. I can cook and feed myself in the company of friends. I can say ‘no’ to extra jobs that I don’t have time for. I can control the amount of exercise I do. All the months of Maudsley therapy have come down to this. This is what I have worked towards. This is my ultimate goal: returning to the once treasured and loved college campus. I will no longer have the posters in my new room with quotes like “I am worth being healthy for” and “If you hear a voice within you say ‘You can’t paint,’ then paint, and that voice will be heard.” But I know they will still apply.
I know continuing in my recovery will be hard at times. Because of Ed. There will be times I forget the importance of eating frequently, when Ed will convince me that food is not necessary, but I can fight him. I know he’s wrong. I am creating a support network at school so I won’t be alone. Now is my time to shine. I hope I don’t let anyone down.

The Media

How can I convince myself that eating full fat foods are best and healthiest when I am surrounded by media implying that I should feel guilty for wanting meals containing normal amounts of calories?

My mom and I were shopping at my favorite grocery store, Trader Joe’s when we stumbled across some ‘reduced guilt potato chips,’ composed mainly of air (literally, they bragged about that). Why would we pay money for air? Because for people who love chips, an entire packet is only 330 calories. Seems amazing! We proceeded to find multiple lines of food that reduce guilty feelings. Maybe there should be a line called ‘feel guilty foods.’ Obviously, that would never sell. Food should not be tied to our emotional state, because we need it to survive. That’s it. End of story.  

Ignorance

While wearing my newly bought dress, my friend commented to me, “You look skinny; you look good.” I didn’t know how to react. Thanks? I remained silent, though I know it was intended to be a compliment. The conversation between a few of the girls continued later in the night while eating burgers, specifically speaking of eating disorders. One girl commented that she plans to not eat for the next 2 weeks so her parents don’t get mad that she got fat and when she was younger, her father paid her $10 for every pound she lost. The other girl thought that was a normal and common thing to do, and stated that her sister (who is 25) eats 800 calories a day with the intention of losing weight but she doesn’t have a disorder because she is old enough to know how to feed herself. I realized at this point it wasn’t worth me explaining that everything they said was wrong, so I just saw it as a learning experience. Regardless of how disgustingly common eating disorders are, most people still have no idea what they are. It shocks me how ignorant these girls are, but I don’t know what to do about it. I want people to understand this as a sickness, not a normal behavior. I want girls to stop thinking about feeling guilty for every bite of food and to stop thinking about walking around town as a way to work off the ingested food. I wish there was a way I could inform people because clearly, they are still clueless.

Ed got stuck at the border

I went to Lisbon, Portugal for the weekend. It was great, but nothing nearly as great as Salamanca. It is very unsafe, the weather wasn’t as good, and the people don’t speak Spanish! I am so glad and grateful that I was able to go though, leaving Ed behind (for the most part). I went to restaurants, ate delicious codfish and Belem pastries, and returned to Salamanca after the most amazing Italian lunch. I was able to enjoy my time there because I indulged in the delicious cuisine.

I am so happy to say that Ed has faded again, since returning to Salamanca. I’m not sure if it’s because of the arrival of my parents, but whatever it is, I am so much happier without him. That’s what I need to remember. Unfortunately, I don’t have my poster here saying “Skinniness Does Not Happiness,” in bright yellow on my wall, but at least I am keeping it in mind. I am happier when I am eating so I can participate in the various activities available each day. I love Spain. Only 1 more week here! I could stay here for so much longer. I don't want to leave!

He's sneaking back..

He’s sneaking back. I can hear him. He’s telling me to ask for less food, leave some on my plate, asserting my authority and turning down the food I once felt obligated to eat. Am I really full, or is Ed convincing me I am? Am I losing the fight right now? How do I know? I am alone—no one here knows my struggles, which are increasing each day.

I am overwhelmed with the amount of food put on my plate at the beginning of each meal, but I must remember that that is all the food I eat. No seconds, no snacks. If I don’t eat a lot during those meals, I will lose weight. If I lose weight, Ed will grow stronger. The feeling of guilt overpowers my body when I eat a few chips before lunch. I don’t usually eat snacks between meals because the meals are so enormous. I am constantly feeling guilty for the things I do eat and am analyzing the food on my plate much more. Why? Why are these things happening all of a sudden? Things were going so well. I don’t think I’ve gained any weight. But why do I feel fatter?

I have become more generous, feeling more inclined to share my food; I make sure others are eating more than me. I don’t eat gelato when everyone else does, even if part of me wants it. I convince myself that it is unnecessary; I eat so many carbs during meals that I don’t want to add even more calories to my diet.

I thought I was ready to fight this battle alone, but thank goodness my mom is coming soon to remind Ed and me that together, we can win.

Bump in the Road

I knew I’d have obstacles. I knew Ed would try to come back. But I didn’t know how. Was I too complacent at the beginning? It was all going so well. Everything was great. Ed had left, vanished, disappeared. I thought I was successful in my recovery. How could I think he would give up so quickly?

One day, I went to Starbucks to do some homework, the Starbucks I had only been to when I was very unhealthy. I was doing fine, working efficiently, until a woman walked into Starbucks. I have never seen someone so skinny and unhappy in my entire life. She was lifeless, alone, dead. She sat down next to me and I began to cry. I’m not entirely sure why, but I know that I just wanted to help her, to help her find someone who could care for her, and tell her that there is hope. I felt nauseous and after torturing myself and staying for 20 minutes, I had to leave. That was the beginning of the downfall. Each day grew harder, feeling a stronger need to please people, counting calories, hating my body, blaming myself for other people’s wrongdoings…the list goes on. I don’t know why it all hit me at once but Ed was coming back full force. With one strong urge to purge, my friend was surprisingly able to talk me out of it and I succeeded.

I have to remember that Ed is still around. He is trying to infiltrate my mind in new mysterious ways and I need to be fully aware and ready to fight back. Now, I move on with my new journey, traveling to Europe for 6 weeks: different food, different lifestyle, different schedule, different everything. But I know that if I could beat Ed once, I can do it again. I’m ready for this trip of a lifetime and I am not ready to let Ed take that away from me.

Tribute to Mama

Happy Mother’s Day! Today is a day of recognition, recognition of all the things my mom has done for me throughout my life, but particularly this year. With an already challenging year, my mom instantly acted appropriately when hearing about my eating disorder, tackling it from the moment I stepped into our house.

When I walked through the garage door, I had no hope, no hope or desire for recovery. I wanted to keep restricting, keep purging, and continue losing weight. My mom made it possible for me to see that light of hope. She objectively explained the things I am missing in my life, and what will happen if I continue down this path. I wasn’t living the life I had envisioned for myself, but I had lost control and didn’t know how to help myself back up again. My mom remained calm and collected and I always knew that if a day ever came when she lost hope, there would be no more hope for my recovery. Because of her perseverance, I am on the path to a successful recovery.

Common Misconceptions (Or maybe just misconceptions I had)

These are the things Ed convinced me of or that I thought last semester.

We only lose weight in the places we want to lose weight.

We can control Ed.

We don’t lose muscle, just fat.

You will be happy with your weight and how you look after you lose a couple of pounds.

Being thin will solve all other problems in your life.

You are gaining control by restricting or purging.

Nothing wrong/bad will ever happen to you or your body because you’ll never get to ‘that point’ and you’ll stop before you do.

People will judge you if they know that you have an eating disorder so it’s better not to tell anyone.

I’m fine because I’ve only been restricting for a few months.

Getting help is a sign that you can’t control yourself and is a sign of weakness.

Eating normal amounts will make you fat.

Hell at the Dinner Table

When I first arrived home, the dinner table was the last place on Earth I wanted to be. I had to face the most terrible, scary, and horrific thing: food. No one could force me to eat, until December 23. Family dinners were no longer the enjoyable, relaxing, debriefing part of the day, but a time of tears, fears, and misery. My days were spent anticipating and dreading meals, recalling the constant pain I had with each bite.

The main struggles were:

Stomach pain

Dizziness

Headache

Lethargy

Grumpiness

Super emotional

Thinking of how much weight I was gaining with every bite (that’s a lot of time spent thinking about food, although I was used to this from the previous months)

The good news is that most of the symptoms only lasted a few months. Once my body was used to regulating and digesting food, a lot of aspects improved. It just took a lot of patience and motivation. The more weight I gained, the less pain I had. Soon I was able to eat 4000+ calories a day (which is crucial for any weight gain).

Can Ed Be My Friend?

I asked my mom on the plane a few days ago if maybe Ed would transform and decide to help me in my recovery process. I said “Ed wants me to go to India. If he changes, I think I could probably forgive him.” I would rather forgive someone than kill them (the alternative option). “Sometimes,” my mom said, “forgiveness is not an option and in this case, he will never transform. He is not a regular person.”

Because I think of Ed as a person, I can’t even begin to fathom the idea of killing him. Killing him? Doesn’t that seem a little extreme? People can change. I want Ed to change. I’ve always been known to please Ed and if he wants me better, then I can continue pleasing him and we can start fighting towards the same cause.

Make Light of Some Situations: Ed’s Still Speaks

“I keep running into things; I must be getting fatter.” Yes, I realize this is still an Ed comment, but at least it triggered some laughter at the lunch table. It’s true that I have gained a whopping 6.5 lbs in the past 2 weeks, after staying relatively stable for 2 months. My body is almost unrecognizable. I constantly worry: when will I ever stop gaining weight? I am going to become a blimp. How will my body know when to stop gaining weight and just maintain it?

I keep hearing, “The psychological stuff will be figured out when you are weight restored.” So I wonder: I am almost weight restored and Ed still yells at me daily. I can’t escape. No matter how hard I try, he fights back in new ways, infiltrating my mind and my family’s, trying to stump my parents in unimaginable ways. Sometimes, it’s portrayed through me with screaming or crying, other times I’m kindly sharing my food with others, so as to have less to eat. Sometimes, I know Ed is fighting back, but other times, he’s too tricky for even me to see.

My mom always tells me she’ll win and Ed will be destroyed. I said we should have a divorce ceremony and later, a funeral (when he’s totally gone and powerless).  Does my mom truly believe he will be defeated? Without her hope, I am hopeless. What if he lingers for years? What if he refuses to let me go, to let me do the things I want to be doing? How much longer can he keep me hostage? I think about these questions daily, still searching for answers. No such luck.


Please, Ed, let me go.

Me? Normal? Yes?

Today was the first day I did normal teenage (almost adult AHH!) activities: I saw friends, went out for lunch and dinner, and went to the dog park. I finally saw a little flashback and reminder of what my life used to be when I had complete freedom! This was the first day in months that food was not the topic of discussion and Ed’s voice was fading. I didn’t acknowledge Ed and couldn’t even hear his whispering in my ear. I am finally beginning to feel normal. 

Although I am very happy today, the clock is ticking away, getting closer and closer to my dreaded weigh-in day tomorrow morning, where my weeks work comes down to the flashing number on the digital scale. I know that if I don’t gain as much as I need to (specified by our contract) my freedom will be drained from me before my eyes and we will be back to square one.

Regardless of the results, I will be upset. Either my parents will be disappointed, or Ed will be yelling his typical phrases that I am so tired of hearing. I usually stand somewhere in the middle. Ed has such a big presence in my head, yet his vocabulary is very limited. His favorite phrases right now are: “You’re getting so fat. It’s disgusting.” “Stop eating so much.” “You’re no longer going to be the best at anything.” “You’re throwing away all your hard work.”

Yes, Ed, I am throwing away all my hard work. This is true. But recovery is even harder work and I don’t plan on ever needing to eat so much food in my life again.

Hopeful? Sometimes less so…

“Either my clothes are shrinking or I am growing,” I keep saying to my mom. I so badly want to believe that my clothes are shrinking. Obviously that isn’t what’s happening. The scale is proving my weight gain. I have one of two reactions: “Thank God I don’t have to eat any more food each day to gain weight or I’d probably explode” or “I wish I wasn’t gaining so much weight so I could look better in my clothes.” One is Lauren, one is Ed­. It is so hard for the Lauren voice to overpower Ed’s. He is so convincing, he is who I have been listening to for so long, obeying his every word.

Today, the green tunic didn’t fit like it used to, when I wasn't eating. So why does part of me wish it fit like it used to, even though I can acknowledge how unhealthy I was? Why is Ed winning today? Why is Ed taking control again? It’s hard to keep being hopeful when my thoughts still revolve so obsessively around my body and food, when Ed’s voice is often stronger than my mom’s, and when I can’t seem to be happy with myself. I can’t wait for the day when Ed is dead and Lauren’s voice is the only voice.

Hopefully Helpful Tips for Recovery: Maudsley

Inspirational quotes EVERYWHERE (I seriously mean everywhere: bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, car, windows, doors, anywhere!)

Meditation: My acupuncturist (who is awesome) told me the most useful tip I’ve heard to help make meditating easier. Rather than chanting a mantra or counting (which may work for you) breathe in something positive, and breathe out something negative. For example, I sometimes breathe in trust (in myself and parents) and breathe out guilt.

Breathing: Just stop once in a while a take a deep breathe, from the tummy. Instant relaxation that is always with you!

Journaling: I tend to only write in my journal when I am angry or upset, but my good friend Emily told me that it’s nice to put things in your journal that make you happy so when you flip through it, you can see the things in your life to be grateful for.

Going for walks: So therapeutic!!

Listening to good music: (I actually have a recovery playlist)

Create a specific contract with your family regarding weight goals and other issues that often arise in your family. It may sound awful but the contract should be focused on giving rewards rather than consequences, so chances are, you’ll actually be getting things you’ve wanted! 

Don’t be afraid to call friends or family: I still am, but just know that they probably want to help you and if you really need to let something go, it’s a great option!

You may want to do a blind weigh-in. I personally prefer to know my weight so I can see it gradually increase, but it’s a personal thing.

Avoid looking at yourself in the mirror, particularly the parts you want to change. Your eyes will naturally focus on the parts of your body that you dislike. Try focusing on the parts you do like.

 

F*** you, Ed

Make sure to complete the activity by writing what Ed has taken away from your life. This part of my letter is much more extensive (which it should be!), but here’s my abbreviated version.

The idea of divorcing Ed is from a book I read and love called “Life Without Ed,” by Jenni Schaefer. I highly recommend it to anyone suffering with an eating disorder as it has completely changed my perspective and was the first step I took to recovery.

You have convinced me that my stomach size is the most important aspect of my life, and having a smaller stomach would create peace and a higher self-esteem. You have told me that lying to friends about meals is completely acceptable and that losing weight will make me feel more successful. I congratulate you, because you have been winning for a long time. And before, when you were happy, I was happy. When you were winning, I was winning. But now, it is become apparent to me that your successes and mine are different. You succeeded in making me feel disgusting, gross, and unhappy. But you told me to keep busy, so busy that I didn’t have time to feel the underlying unhappiness, so busy that I didn’t have time to see my friends. You took away one of the most important aspects of my life, (my friends) while making it seem like it was the right thing to do. You always told me I was doing what was best for me, and it didn’t matter what my friends thought, and I believed you. The happiness you convinced me I had was short lasting and fake. I realize that your goals for me and my goals for myself do not match up anymore, although they seemed to before when I thought you knew what was best for me. You never told me that people would notice anything bad was happening to me. I couldn’t understand why people were so upset because you told me that I was doing everything so well. You have changed my relationship with my parents so they cannot possibly have as much trust in me as they used to. You have concerned everyone around me, while convincing me that they are the ones at fault and “I’m fine” is now my most commonly used phrase. I can’t believe your morals and values became mine too.

You told me I would feel happier and more successful the skinnier I become, but why do I feel like s*** about myself, even though I’ve lost so much weight? Is it possible that you have been wrong this whole time? You have been tricking me all along, convincing me that what I am doing to myself is healthy and beneficial, and that my life will be much better without food. When will I ever be good enough for you? I am realizing that the answer is never. I always thought I could control myself, and stop losing weight when I wanted, but I couldn’t.

But just think about this, even though I know you don’t have rational judgments. The most successful people in this world eat food. No one can live their life to its fullest without food. By definition, food is “material, usually of plant or animal origin, that contains or consists of essential body nutrients… and is ingested and assimilated by an organism to produce energy, stimulate growth, and maintain life.” Why did I let you manipulate me into thinking that food is so bad? Because I trusted you. I am now in one of the worst positions of my life, not being able to see friends, play tennis, teach Zumba, volunteer, or be with kids, basically anything I love. You owe millions of apology letters to all the recovered people whose lives you destroyed for any period of time, just like you did to mine.

This letter is my convoluted way of saying that we need to get a divorce. And like any divorce, it is a long upsetting process, because you were there for me when I needed some reinforcement and encouragement. You convinced me that I wasn’t hungry and found ways to take me away from those “dangerous situations” around food.  But now, because I am trying to realize that I should not fear food, you are not the one who I should be obeying.

Stand aside and watch me gradually gain my OWN life back.

            Lauren (just another victim of Ed)

Thank you, Ed

 I wrote a letter to Ed, explaining the things he has done for me in my life, as well as how he has destroyed it. I highly recommend this activity because it’s helpful to look back at when I feel less motivated. This is only the first part. Why Ed has been wonderful to me.

Ed, you have been my guide throughout this past semester, you have been my shoulder to lean on, and most importantly, you have helped me attain my goal of losing weight and being happier with my body and myself. You have filled that empty black hole and made me realize that I am not worthless and I truly know that the skinnier I get, the more supportive you will be and I want to make you proud. You have enabled me to feel stronger at school, in the sense that I didn’t need food to survive, while most others do. You have proven to me that I can achieve my goals if I set my mind to it. You tell me that I am prettier when I don’t eat, and I appreciate the compliment. You have given me the self-control that I so badly wanted, that I could not achieve through academics or sports. You were so affectionate when I didn’t eat, explaining to me that I am on my way to achieving happiness as long as I continue down this path. You have given me an escape, a way to deal with my insecurities. You have given me a sense of safety; you were my protector, mentor, and friend. You have been so supportive, but I can’t help but think about what my life has come to now when I put all my trust in you. You defied my trust, you lied to me, and you changed my value system. And now, I must learn that you are not what I need in my life right now, or ever again.

… And the Journey Begins, Freedom Ends

Walking through the front door of my house on December 23, 2010 was like stepping into a time machine; I was no longer a 19 year old, but a 12 year old (or so it seemed). I couldn’t take advantage of my freedom or independence. I was going to be force-fed food by my parents. This seemed like the worst thing possible, but now I am  beginning to realize the role my parents have played in my recovery. Parents are the key to success. As much as I don’t like to admit it, parents often know best. It sucks, I know.

The first thing you can do to begin recovery is to put trust in your parents. Ed has most likely taken over your head (like he did to me) and will continue dominating your thoughts making you feel like you’re not good enough. I know that my rational thoughts were unexposed and nonexistent. My parents immediately took control, feeding me small meals so my body could adjust. (Trust me, Maudsley is much more gradual than ending up in a treatment center).

It’s a rough beginning, but just remember that it won’t be like that forever. It is temporary and you almost have to be in pain to recover, whether it’s your head, stomach, or your mind! It will get better, just give yourself some time and don’t expect rapid changes.

My Ed Story

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“Rally for Recovery: Maudsley Style” is a blog designed to help others suffering from an eating disorder. I will be posting many different aspects to recovery such as stories, ways to cope with anxiety and stress, high calorie recipes and meal ideas, and how to accept your body (and self) for what it is (something that I am currently working on!)

My mom is also writing a blog “Rally for Recovery: Maudsley Mom,” which is written from her perspective. If you are a parent or loved one of a sufferer, check out her blog!

It began the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I wanted to lose a few pounds. Never would I have guessed that Ed would have taken control. (Note to Self: Don’t name my child Edward.) Today, when I should be continuing my education, I am stuck at home, recovering from my eating disorders.

It started by lowering my food consumption. Half portions became the norm. I continued to restrict more each day, until I ate almost nothing. I refused to go to the cafeteria, lying to anybody who asked me to join them for a meal. I created rituals around food, learning tricks so no one would notice. After a few months of restricting, I grew too weak to play tennis or teach Zumba. My snacks became my meals. I was losing weight. It worked. I was successful. I was the best. I was so good at not eating.

Soon enough, I realized the power of purging. I could eat a cracker or two, throw it up, and feel much better about eating them in the first place. I went from fat to skinny in minutes. I was finally feeling happier.

Towards the end of the semester, I could barely walk up stairs, constantly felt dizzy and foggy, and didn’t want to be around anyone. I noticed that my body was skinnier and I didn’t want anyone to notice or say anything. I realized that I was not being healthy, and the amount of time I wasted thinking about food drove me completely insane. At the same time, I knew I was going to be home for Christmas, and would have to start the re-feeding process of Maudsley, so I restricted more than ever, trying to lose as much weight as possible. I never saw myself as sick. All that mattered was that I was skinnier. I had complete control over my self and my life, and that is why this journey began.

When I came home, my parents saved me just in time and prevented me from ending up in a worse place. A few more weeks and a few more lost pounds would have put me in a critical condition. And now, looking back on the past semester, I can’t even begin to understand how I felt so happy when I was actually so unhappy. I isolated myself, I lied to friends, and most importantly, I hated and feared food, judging people who ate. My mind and body were fighting against each other. One wanted nourishment, the other refused. I managed to lose everything I loved, while convincing myself I was happier.