“Either my clothes are shrinking or I am growing,” I keep saying to my mom. I so badly want to believe that my clothes are shrinking. Obviously that isn’t what’s happening. The scale is proving my weight gain. I have one of two reactions: “Thank God I don’t have to eat any more food each day to gain weight or I’d probably explode” or “I wish I wasn’t gaining so much weight so I could look better in my clothes.” One is Lauren, one is Ed. It is so hard for the Lauren voice to overpower Ed’s. He is so convincing, he is who I have been listening to for so long, obeying his every word.
Today, the green tunic didn’t fit like it used to, when I wasn't eating. So why does part of me wish it fit like it used to, even though I can acknowledge how unhealthy I was? Why is Ed winning today? Why is Ed taking control again? It’s hard to keep being hopeful when my thoughts still revolve so obsessively around my body and food, when Ed’s voice is often stronger than my mom’s, and when I can’t seem to be happy with myself. I can’t wait for the day when Ed is dead and Lauren’s voice is the only voice.
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