Make sure to complete the activity by writing what Ed has taken away from your life. This part of my letter is much more extensive (which it should be!), but here’s my abbreviated version.
The idea of divorcing Ed is from a book I read and love called “Life Without Ed,” by Jenni Schaefer. I highly recommend it to anyone suffering with an eating disorder as it has completely changed my perspective and was the first step I took to recovery.
You have convinced me that my stomach size is the most important aspect of my life, and having a smaller stomach would create peace and a higher self-esteem. You have told me that lying to friends about meals is completely acceptable and that losing weight will make me feel more successful. I congratulate you, because you have been winning for a long time. And before, when you were happy, I was happy. When you were winning, I was winning. But now, it is become apparent to me that your successes and mine are different. You succeeded in making me feel disgusting, gross, and unhappy. But you told me to keep busy, so busy that I didn’t have time to feel the underlying unhappiness, so busy that I didn’t have time to see my friends. You took away one of the most important aspects of my life, (my friends) while making it seem like it was the right thing to do. You always told me I was doing what was best for me, and it didn’t matter what my friends thought, and I believed you. The happiness you convinced me I had was short lasting and fake. I realize that your goals for me and my goals for myself do not match up anymore, although they seemed to before when I thought you knew what was best for me. You never told me that people would notice anything bad was happening to me. I couldn’t understand why people were so upset because you told me that I was doing everything so well. You have changed my relationship with my parents so they cannot possibly have as much trust in me as they used to. You have concerned everyone around me, while convincing me that they are the ones at fault and “I’m fine” is now my most commonly used phrase. I can’t believe your morals and values became mine too.
You told me I would feel happier and more successful the skinnier I become, but why do I feel like s*** about myself, even though I’ve lost so much weight? Is it possible that you have been wrong this whole time? You have been tricking me all along, convincing me that what I am doing to myself is healthy and beneficial, and that my life will be much better without food. When will I ever be good enough for you? I am realizing that the answer is never. I always thought I could control myself, and stop losing weight when I wanted, but I couldn’t.
But just think about this, even though I know you don’t have rational judgments. The most successful people in this world eat food. No one can live their life to its fullest without food. By definition, food is “material, usually of plant or animal origin, that contains or consists of essential body nutrients… and is ingested and assimilated by an organism to produce energy, stimulate growth, and maintain life.” Why did I let you manipulate me into thinking that food is so bad? Because I trusted you. I am now in one of the worst positions of my life, not being able to see friends, play tennis, teach Zumba, volunteer, or be with kids, basically anything I love. You owe millions of apology letters to all the recovered people whose lives you destroyed for any period of time, just like you did to mine.
This letter is my convoluted way of saying that we need to get a divorce. And like any divorce, it is a long upsetting process, because you were there for me when I needed some reinforcement and encouragement. You convinced me that I wasn’t hungry and found ways to take me away from those “dangerous situations” around food. But now, because I am trying to realize that I should not fear food, you are not the one who I should be obeying.
Stand aside and watch me gradually gain my OWN life back.
Lauren (just another victim of Ed)
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