My Ed Story

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“Rally for Recovery: Maudsley Style” is a blog designed to help others suffering from an eating disorder. I will be posting many different aspects to recovery such as stories, ways to cope with anxiety and stress, high calorie recipes and meal ideas, and how to accept your body (and self) for what it is (something that I am currently working on!)

My mom is also writing a blog “Rally for Recovery: Maudsley Mom,” which is written from her perspective. If you are a parent or loved one of a sufferer, check out her blog!

It began the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I wanted to lose a few pounds. Never would I have guessed that Ed would have taken control. (Note to Self: Don’t name my child Edward.) Today, when I should be continuing my education, I am stuck at home, recovering from my eating disorders.

It started by lowering my food consumption. Half portions became the norm. I continued to restrict more each day, until I ate almost nothing. I refused to go to the cafeteria, lying to anybody who asked me to join them for a meal. I created rituals around food, learning tricks so no one would notice. After a few months of restricting, I grew too weak to play tennis or teach Zumba. My snacks became my meals. I was losing weight. It worked. I was successful. I was the best. I was so good at not eating.

Soon enough, I realized the power of purging. I could eat a cracker or two, throw it up, and feel much better about eating them in the first place. I went from fat to skinny in minutes. I was finally feeling happier.

Towards the end of the semester, I could barely walk up stairs, constantly felt dizzy and foggy, and didn’t want to be around anyone. I noticed that my body was skinnier and I didn’t want anyone to notice or say anything. I realized that I was not being healthy, and the amount of time I wasted thinking about food drove me completely insane. At the same time, I knew I was going to be home for Christmas, and would have to start the re-feeding process of Maudsley, so I restricted more than ever, trying to lose as much weight as possible. I never saw myself as sick. All that mattered was that I was skinnier. I had complete control over my self and my life, and that is why this journey began.

When I came home, my parents saved me just in time and prevented me from ending up in a worse place. A few more weeks and a few more lost pounds would have put me in a critical condition. And now, looking back on the past semester, I can’t even begin to understand how I felt so happy when I was actually so unhappy. I isolated myself, I lied to friends, and most importantly, I hated and feared food, judging people who ate. My mind and body were fighting against each other. One wanted nourishment, the other refused. I managed to lose everything I loved, while convincing myself I was happier.