Can Ed Be My Friend?

I asked my mom on the plane a few days ago if maybe Ed would transform and decide to help me in my recovery process. I said “Ed wants me to go to India. If he changes, I think I could probably forgive him.” I would rather forgive someone than kill them (the alternative option). “Sometimes,” my mom said, “forgiveness is not an option and in this case, he will never transform. He is not a regular person.”

Because I think of Ed as a person, I can’t even begin to fathom the idea of killing him. Killing him? Doesn’t that seem a little extreme? People can change. I want Ed to change. I’ve always been known to please Ed and if he wants me better, then I can continue pleasing him and we can start fighting towards the same cause.

Make Light of Some Situations: Ed’s Still Speaks

“I keep running into things; I must be getting fatter.” Yes, I realize this is still an Ed comment, but at least it triggered some laughter at the lunch table. It’s true that I have gained a whopping 6.5 lbs in the past 2 weeks, after staying relatively stable for 2 months. My body is almost unrecognizable. I constantly worry: when will I ever stop gaining weight? I am going to become a blimp. How will my body know when to stop gaining weight and just maintain it?

I keep hearing, “The psychological stuff will be figured out when you are weight restored.” So I wonder: I am almost weight restored and Ed still yells at me daily. I can’t escape. No matter how hard I try, he fights back in new ways, infiltrating my mind and my family’s, trying to stump my parents in unimaginable ways. Sometimes, it’s portrayed through me with screaming or crying, other times I’m kindly sharing my food with others, so as to have less to eat. Sometimes, I know Ed is fighting back, but other times, he’s too tricky for even me to see.

My mom always tells me she’ll win and Ed will be destroyed. I said we should have a divorce ceremony and later, a funeral (when he’s totally gone and powerless).  Does my mom truly believe he will be defeated? Without her hope, I am hopeless. What if he lingers for years? What if he refuses to let me go, to let me do the things I want to be doing? How much longer can he keep me hostage? I think about these questions daily, still searching for answers. No such luck.


Please, Ed, let me go.

Me? Normal? Yes?

Today was the first day I did normal teenage (almost adult AHH!) activities: I saw friends, went out for lunch and dinner, and went to the dog park. I finally saw a little flashback and reminder of what my life used to be when I had complete freedom! This was the first day in months that food was not the topic of discussion and Ed’s voice was fading. I didn’t acknowledge Ed and couldn’t even hear his whispering in my ear. I am finally beginning to feel normal. 

Although I am very happy today, the clock is ticking away, getting closer and closer to my dreaded weigh-in day tomorrow morning, where my weeks work comes down to the flashing number on the digital scale. I know that if I don’t gain as much as I need to (specified by our contract) my freedom will be drained from me before my eyes and we will be back to square one.

Regardless of the results, I will be upset. Either my parents will be disappointed, or Ed will be yelling his typical phrases that I am so tired of hearing. I usually stand somewhere in the middle. Ed has such a big presence in my head, yet his vocabulary is very limited. His favorite phrases right now are: “You’re getting so fat. It’s disgusting.” “Stop eating so much.” “You’re no longer going to be the best at anything.” “You’re throwing away all your hard work.”

Yes, Ed, I am throwing away all my hard work. This is true. But recovery is even harder work and I don’t plan on ever needing to eat so much food in my life again.

Hopeful? Sometimes less so…

“Either my clothes are shrinking or I am growing,” I keep saying to my mom. I so badly want to believe that my clothes are shrinking. Obviously that isn’t what’s happening. The scale is proving my weight gain. I have one of two reactions: “Thank God I don’t have to eat any more food each day to gain weight or I’d probably explode” or “I wish I wasn’t gaining so much weight so I could look better in my clothes.” One is Lauren, one is Ed­. It is so hard for the Lauren voice to overpower Ed’s. He is so convincing, he is who I have been listening to for so long, obeying his every word.

Today, the green tunic didn’t fit like it used to, when I wasn't eating. So why does part of me wish it fit like it used to, even though I can acknowledge how unhealthy I was? Why is Ed winning today? Why is Ed taking control again? It’s hard to keep being hopeful when my thoughts still revolve so obsessively around my body and food, when Ed’s voice is often stronger than my mom’s, and when I can’t seem to be happy with myself. I can’t wait for the day when Ed is dead and Lauren’s voice is the only voice.

Hopefully Helpful Tips for Recovery: Maudsley

Inspirational quotes EVERYWHERE (I seriously mean everywhere: bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, car, windows, doors, anywhere!)

Meditation: My acupuncturist (who is awesome) told me the most useful tip I’ve heard to help make meditating easier. Rather than chanting a mantra or counting (which may work for you) breathe in something positive, and breathe out something negative. For example, I sometimes breathe in trust (in myself and parents) and breathe out guilt.

Breathing: Just stop once in a while a take a deep breathe, from the tummy. Instant relaxation that is always with you!

Journaling: I tend to only write in my journal when I am angry or upset, but my good friend Emily told me that it’s nice to put things in your journal that make you happy so when you flip through it, you can see the things in your life to be grateful for.

Going for walks: So therapeutic!!

Listening to good music: (I actually have a recovery playlist)

Create a specific contract with your family regarding weight goals and other issues that often arise in your family. It may sound awful but the contract should be focused on giving rewards rather than consequences, so chances are, you’ll actually be getting things you’ve wanted! 

Don’t be afraid to call friends or family: I still am, but just know that they probably want to help you and if you really need to let something go, it’s a great option!

You may want to do a blind weigh-in. I personally prefer to know my weight so I can see it gradually increase, but it’s a personal thing.

Avoid looking at yourself in the mirror, particularly the parts you want to change. Your eyes will naturally focus on the parts of your body that you dislike. Try focusing on the parts you do like.

 

F*** you, Ed

Make sure to complete the activity by writing what Ed has taken away from your life. This part of my letter is much more extensive (which it should be!), but here’s my abbreviated version.

The idea of divorcing Ed is from a book I read and love called “Life Without Ed,” by Jenni Schaefer. I highly recommend it to anyone suffering with an eating disorder as it has completely changed my perspective and was the first step I took to recovery.

You have convinced me that my stomach size is the most important aspect of my life, and having a smaller stomach would create peace and a higher self-esteem. You have told me that lying to friends about meals is completely acceptable and that losing weight will make me feel more successful. I congratulate you, because you have been winning for a long time. And before, when you were happy, I was happy. When you were winning, I was winning. But now, it is become apparent to me that your successes and mine are different. You succeeded in making me feel disgusting, gross, and unhappy. But you told me to keep busy, so busy that I didn’t have time to feel the underlying unhappiness, so busy that I didn’t have time to see my friends. You took away one of the most important aspects of my life, (my friends) while making it seem like it was the right thing to do. You always told me I was doing what was best for me, and it didn’t matter what my friends thought, and I believed you. The happiness you convinced me I had was short lasting and fake. I realize that your goals for me and my goals for myself do not match up anymore, although they seemed to before when I thought you knew what was best for me. You never told me that people would notice anything bad was happening to me. I couldn’t understand why people were so upset because you told me that I was doing everything so well. You have changed my relationship with my parents so they cannot possibly have as much trust in me as they used to. You have concerned everyone around me, while convincing me that they are the ones at fault and “I’m fine” is now my most commonly used phrase. I can’t believe your morals and values became mine too.

You told me I would feel happier and more successful the skinnier I become, but why do I feel like s*** about myself, even though I’ve lost so much weight? Is it possible that you have been wrong this whole time? You have been tricking me all along, convincing me that what I am doing to myself is healthy and beneficial, and that my life will be much better without food. When will I ever be good enough for you? I am realizing that the answer is never. I always thought I could control myself, and stop losing weight when I wanted, but I couldn’t.

But just think about this, even though I know you don’t have rational judgments. The most successful people in this world eat food. No one can live their life to its fullest without food. By definition, food is “material, usually of plant or animal origin, that contains or consists of essential body nutrients… and is ingested and assimilated by an organism to produce energy, stimulate growth, and maintain life.” Why did I let you manipulate me into thinking that food is so bad? Because I trusted you. I am now in one of the worst positions of my life, not being able to see friends, play tennis, teach Zumba, volunteer, or be with kids, basically anything I love. You owe millions of apology letters to all the recovered people whose lives you destroyed for any period of time, just like you did to mine.

This letter is my convoluted way of saying that we need to get a divorce. And like any divorce, it is a long upsetting process, because you were there for me when I needed some reinforcement and encouragement. You convinced me that I wasn’t hungry and found ways to take me away from those “dangerous situations” around food.  But now, because I am trying to realize that I should not fear food, you are not the one who I should be obeying.

Stand aside and watch me gradually gain my OWN life back.

            Lauren (just another victim of Ed)

Thank you, Ed

 I wrote a letter to Ed, explaining the things he has done for me in my life, as well as how he has destroyed it. I highly recommend this activity because it’s helpful to look back at when I feel less motivated. This is only the first part. Why Ed has been wonderful to me.

Ed, you have been my guide throughout this past semester, you have been my shoulder to lean on, and most importantly, you have helped me attain my goal of losing weight and being happier with my body and myself. You have filled that empty black hole and made me realize that I am not worthless and I truly know that the skinnier I get, the more supportive you will be and I want to make you proud. You have enabled me to feel stronger at school, in the sense that I didn’t need food to survive, while most others do. You have proven to me that I can achieve my goals if I set my mind to it. You tell me that I am prettier when I don’t eat, and I appreciate the compliment. You have given me the self-control that I so badly wanted, that I could not achieve through academics or sports. You were so affectionate when I didn’t eat, explaining to me that I am on my way to achieving happiness as long as I continue down this path. You have given me an escape, a way to deal with my insecurities. You have given me a sense of safety; you were my protector, mentor, and friend. You have been so supportive, but I can’t help but think about what my life has come to now when I put all my trust in you. You defied my trust, you lied to me, and you changed my value system. And now, I must learn that you are not what I need in my life right now, or ever again.

… And the Journey Begins, Freedom Ends

Walking through the front door of my house on December 23, 2010 was like stepping into a time machine; I was no longer a 19 year old, but a 12 year old (or so it seemed). I couldn’t take advantage of my freedom or independence. I was going to be force-fed food by my parents. This seemed like the worst thing possible, but now I am  beginning to realize the role my parents have played in my recovery. Parents are the key to success. As much as I don’t like to admit it, parents often know best. It sucks, I know.

The first thing you can do to begin recovery is to put trust in your parents. Ed has most likely taken over your head (like he did to me) and will continue dominating your thoughts making you feel like you’re not good enough. I know that my rational thoughts were unexposed and nonexistent. My parents immediately took control, feeding me small meals so my body could adjust. (Trust me, Maudsley is much more gradual than ending up in a treatment center).

It’s a rough beginning, but just remember that it won’t be like that forever. It is temporary and you almost have to be in pain to recover, whether it’s your head, stomach, or your mind! It will get better, just give yourself some time and don’t expect rapid changes.

My Ed Story

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“Rally for Recovery: Maudsley Style” is a blog designed to help others suffering from an eating disorder. I will be posting many different aspects to recovery such as stories, ways to cope with anxiety and stress, high calorie recipes and meal ideas, and how to accept your body (and self) for what it is (something that I am currently working on!)

My mom is also writing a blog “Rally for Recovery: Maudsley Mom,” which is written from her perspective. If you are a parent or loved one of a sufferer, check out her blog!

It began the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I wanted to lose a few pounds. Never would I have guessed that Ed would have taken control. (Note to Self: Don’t name my child Edward.) Today, when I should be continuing my education, I am stuck at home, recovering from my eating disorders.

It started by lowering my food consumption. Half portions became the norm. I continued to restrict more each day, until I ate almost nothing. I refused to go to the cafeteria, lying to anybody who asked me to join them for a meal. I created rituals around food, learning tricks so no one would notice. After a few months of restricting, I grew too weak to play tennis or teach Zumba. My snacks became my meals. I was losing weight. It worked. I was successful. I was the best. I was so good at not eating.

Soon enough, I realized the power of purging. I could eat a cracker or two, throw it up, and feel much better about eating them in the first place. I went from fat to skinny in minutes. I was finally feeling happier.

Towards the end of the semester, I could barely walk up stairs, constantly felt dizzy and foggy, and didn’t want to be around anyone. I noticed that my body was skinnier and I didn’t want anyone to notice or say anything. I realized that I was not being healthy, and the amount of time I wasted thinking about food drove me completely insane. At the same time, I knew I was going to be home for Christmas, and would have to start the re-feeding process of Maudsley, so I restricted more than ever, trying to lose as much weight as possible. I never saw myself as sick. All that mattered was that I was skinnier. I had complete control over my self and my life, and that is why this journey began.

When I came home, my parents saved me just in time and prevented me from ending up in a worse place. A few more weeks and a few more lost pounds would have put me in a critical condition. And now, looking back on the past semester, I can’t even begin to understand how I felt so happy when I was actually so unhappy. I isolated myself, I lied to friends, and most importantly, I hated and feared food, judging people who ate. My mind and body were fighting against each other. One wanted nourishment, the other refused. I managed to lose everything I loved, while convincing myself I was happier.