“I keep running into things; I must be getting fatter.” Yes, I realize this is still an Ed comment, but at least it triggered some laughter at the lunch table. It’s true that I have gained a whopping 6.5 lbs in the past 2 weeks, after staying relatively stable for 2 months. My body is almost unrecognizable. I constantly worry: when will I ever stop gaining weight? I am going to become a blimp. How will my body know when to stop gaining weight and just maintain it?
I keep hearing, “The psychological stuff will be figured out when you are weight restored.” So I wonder: I am almost weight restored and Ed still yells at me daily. I can’t escape. No matter how hard I try, he fights back in new ways, infiltrating my mind and my family’s, trying to stump my parents in unimaginable ways. Sometimes, it’s portrayed through me with screaming or crying, other times I’m kindly sharing my food with others, so as to have less to eat. Sometimes, I know Ed is fighting back, but other times, he’s too tricky for even me to see.
My mom always tells me she’ll win and Ed will be destroyed. I said we should have a divorce ceremony and later, a funeral (when he’s totally gone and powerless). Does my mom truly believe he will be defeated? Without her hope, I am hopeless. What if he lingers for years? What if he refuses to let me go, to let me do the things I want to be doing? How much longer can he keep me hostage? I think about these questions daily, still searching for answers. No such luck.
Please, Ed, let me go.
Please, Ed, let me go.
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