Ignorance

While wearing my newly bought dress, my friend commented to me, “You look skinny; you look good.” I didn’t know how to react. Thanks? I remained silent, though I know it was intended to be a compliment. The conversation between a few of the girls continued later in the night while eating burgers, specifically speaking of eating disorders. One girl commented that she plans to not eat for the next 2 weeks so her parents don’t get mad that she got fat and when she was younger, her father paid her $10 for every pound she lost. The other girl thought that was a normal and common thing to do, and stated that her sister (who is 25) eats 800 calories a day with the intention of losing weight but she doesn’t have a disorder because she is old enough to know how to feed herself. I realized at this point it wasn’t worth me explaining that everything they said was wrong, so I just saw it as a learning experience. Regardless of how disgustingly common eating disorders are, most people still have no idea what they are. It shocks me how ignorant these girls are, but I don’t know what to do about it. I want people to understand this as a sickness, not a normal behavior. I want girls to stop thinking about feeling guilty for every bite of food and to stop thinking about walking around town as a way to work off the ingested food. I wish there was a way I could inform people because clearly, they are still clueless.

Ed got stuck at the border

I went to Lisbon, Portugal for the weekend. It was great, but nothing nearly as great as Salamanca. It is very unsafe, the weather wasn’t as good, and the people don’t speak Spanish! I am so glad and grateful that I was able to go though, leaving Ed behind (for the most part). I went to restaurants, ate delicious codfish and Belem pastries, and returned to Salamanca after the most amazing Italian lunch. I was able to enjoy my time there because I indulged in the delicious cuisine.

I am so happy to say that Ed has faded again, since returning to Salamanca. I’m not sure if it’s because of the arrival of my parents, but whatever it is, I am so much happier without him. That’s what I need to remember. Unfortunately, I don’t have my poster here saying “Skinniness Does Not Happiness,” in bright yellow on my wall, but at least I am keeping it in mind. I am happier when I am eating so I can participate in the various activities available each day. I love Spain. Only 1 more week here! I could stay here for so much longer. I don't want to leave!

He's sneaking back..

He’s sneaking back. I can hear him. He’s telling me to ask for less food, leave some on my plate, asserting my authority and turning down the food I once felt obligated to eat. Am I really full, or is Ed convincing me I am? Am I losing the fight right now? How do I know? I am alone—no one here knows my struggles, which are increasing each day.

I am overwhelmed with the amount of food put on my plate at the beginning of each meal, but I must remember that that is all the food I eat. No seconds, no snacks. If I don’t eat a lot during those meals, I will lose weight. If I lose weight, Ed will grow stronger. The feeling of guilt overpowers my body when I eat a few chips before lunch. I don’t usually eat snacks between meals because the meals are so enormous. I am constantly feeling guilty for the things I do eat and am analyzing the food on my plate much more. Why? Why are these things happening all of a sudden? Things were going so well. I don’t think I’ve gained any weight. But why do I feel fatter?

I have become more generous, feeling more inclined to share my food; I make sure others are eating more than me. I don’t eat gelato when everyone else does, even if part of me wants it. I convince myself that it is unnecessary; I eat so many carbs during meals that I don’t want to add even more calories to my diet.

I thought I was ready to fight this battle alone, but thank goodness my mom is coming soon to remind Ed and me that together, we can win.