He's sneaking back..

He’s sneaking back. I can hear him. He’s telling me to ask for less food, leave some on my plate, asserting my authority and turning down the food I once felt obligated to eat. Am I really full, or is Ed convincing me I am? Am I losing the fight right now? How do I know? I am alone—no one here knows my struggles, which are increasing each day.

I am overwhelmed with the amount of food put on my plate at the beginning of each meal, but I must remember that that is all the food I eat. No seconds, no snacks. If I don’t eat a lot during those meals, I will lose weight. If I lose weight, Ed will grow stronger. The feeling of guilt overpowers my body when I eat a few chips before lunch. I don’t usually eat snacks between meals because the meals are so enormous. I am constantly feeling guilty for the things I do eat and am analyzing the food on my plate much more. Why? Why are these things happening all of a sudden? Things were going so well. I don’t think I’ve gained any weight. But why do I feel fatter?

I have become more generous, feeling more inclined to share my food; I make sure others are eating more than me. I don’t eat gelato when everyone else does, even if part of me wants it. I convince myself that it is unnecessary; I eat so many carbs during meals that I don’t want to add even more calories to my diet.

I thought I was ready to fight this battle alone, but thank goodness my mom is coming soon to remind Ed and me that together, we can win.