Today was the first day I did normal teenage (almost adult AHH!) activities: I saw friends, went out for lunch and dinner, and went to the dog park. I finally saw a little flashback and reminder of what my life used to be when I had complete freedom! This was the first day in months that food was not the topic of discussion and Ed’s voice was fading. I didn’t acknowledge Ed and couldn’t even hear his whispering in my ear. I am finally beginning to feel normal.
Although I am very happy today, the clock is ticking away, getting closer and closer to my dreaded weigh-in day tomorrow morning, where my weeks work comes down to the flashing number on the digital scale. I know that if I don’t gain as much as I need to (specified by our contract) my freedom will be drained from me before my eyes and we will be back to square one.
Regardless of the results, I will be upset. Either my parents will be disappointed, or Ed will be yelling his typical phrases that I am so tired of hearing. I usually stand somewhere in the middle. Ed has such a big presence in my head, yet his vocabulary is very limited. His favorite phrases right now are: “You’re getting so fat. It’s disgusting.” “Stop eating so much.” “You’re no longer going to be the best at anything.” “You’re throwing away all your hard work.”
Yes, Ed, I am throwing away all my hard work. This is true. But recovery is even harder work and I don’t plan on ever needing to eat so much food in my life again.
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