Ignorance

While wearing my newly bought dress, my friend commented to me, “You look skinny; you look good.” I didn’t know how to react. Thanks? I remained silent, though I know it was intended to be a compliment. The conversation between a few of the girls continued later in the night while eating burgers, specifically speaking of eating disorders. One girl commented that she plans to not eat for the next 2 weeks so her parents don’t get mad that she got fat and when she was younger, her father paid her $10 for every pound she lost. The other girl thought that was a normal and common thing to do, and stated that her sister (who is 25) eats 800 calories a day with the intention of losing weight but she doesn’t have a disorder because she is old enough to know how to feed herself. I realized at this point it wasn’t worth me explaining that everything they said was wrong, so I just saw it as a learning experience. Regardless of how disgustingly common eating disorders are, most people still have no idea what they are. It shocks me how ignorant these girls are, but I don’t know what to do about it. I want people to understand this as a sickness, not a normal behavior. I want girls to stop thinking about feeling guilty for every bite of food and to stop thinking about walking around town as a way to work off the ingested food. I wish there was a way I could inform people because clearly, they are still clueless.

Ed got stuck at the border

I went to Lisbon, Portugal for the weekend. It was great, but nothing nearly as great as Salamanca. It is very unsafe, the weather wasn’t as good, and the people don’t speak Spanish! I am so glad and grateful that I was able to go though, leaving Ed behind (for the most part). I went to restaurants, ate delicious codfish and Belem pastries, and returned to Salamanca after the most amazing Italian lunch. I was able to enjoy my time there because I indulged in the delicious cuisine.

I am so happy to say that Ed has faded again, since returning to Salamanca. I’m not sure if it’s because of the arrival of my parents, but whatever it is, I am so much happier without him. That’s what I need to remember. Unfortunately, I don’t have my poster here saying “Skinniness Does Not Happiness,” in bright yellow on my wall, but at least I am keeping it in mind. I am happier when I am eating so I can participate in the various activities available each day. I love Spain. Only 1 more week here! I could stay here for so much longer. I don't want to leave!

He's sneaking back..

He’s sneaking back. I can hear him. He’s telling me to ask for less food, leave some on my plate, asserting my authority and turning down the food I once felt obligated to eat. Am I really full, or is Ed convincing me I am? Am I losing the fight right now? How do I know? I am alone—no one here knows my struggles, which are increasing each day.

I am overwhelmed with the amount of food put on my plate at the beginning of each meal, but I must remember that that is all the food I eat. No seconds, no snacks. If I don’t eat a lot during those meals, I will lose weight. If I lose weight, Ed will grow stronger. The feeling of guilt overpowers my body when I eat a few chips before lunch. I don’t usually eat snacks between meals because the meals are so enormous. I am constantly feeling guilty for the things I do eat and am analyzing the food on my plate much more. Why? Why are these things happening all of a sudden? Things were going so well. I don’t think I’ve gained any weight. But why do I feel fatter?

I have become more generous, feeling more inclined to share my food; I make sure others are eating more than me. I don’t eat gelato when everyone else does, even if part of me wants it. I convince myself that it is unnecessary; I eat so many carbs during meals that I don’t want to add even more calories to my diet.

I thought I was ready to fight this battle alone, but thank goodness my mom is coming soon to remind Ed and me that together, we can win.

Bump in the Road

I knew I’d have obstacles. I knew Ed would try to come back. But I didn’t know how. Was I too complacent at the beginning? It was all going so well. Everything was great. Ed had left, vanished, disappeared. I thought I was successful in my recovery. How could I think he would give up so quickly?

One day, I went to Starbucks to do some homework, the Starbucks I had only been to when I was very unhealthy. I was doing fine, working efficiently, until a woman walked into Starbucks. I have never seen someone so skinny and unhappy in my entire life. She was lifeless, alone, dead. She sat down next to me and I began to cry. I’m not entirely sure why, but I know that I just wanted to help her, to help her find someone who could care for her, and tell her that there is hope. I felt nauseous and after torturing myself and staying for 20 minutes, I had to leave. That was the beginning of the downfall. Each day grew harder, feeling a stronger need to please people, counting calories, hating my body, blaming myself for other people’s wrongdoings…the list goes on. I don’t know why it all hit me at once but Ed was coming back full force. With one strong urge to purge, my friend was surprisingly able to talk me out of it and I succeeded.

I have to remember that Ed is still around. He is trying to infiltrate my mind in new mysterious ways and I need to be fully aware and ready to fight back. Now, I move on with my new journey, traveling to Europe for 6 weeks: different food, different lifestyle, different schedule, different everything. But I know that if I could beat Ed once, I can do it again. I’m ready for this trip of a lifetime and I am not ready to let Ed take that away from me.

Tribute to Mama

Happy Mother’s Day! Today is a day of recognition, recognition of all the things my mom has done for me throughout my life, but particularly this year. With an already challenging year, my mom instantly acted appropriately when hearing about my eating disorder, tackling it from the moment I stepped into our house.

When I walked through the garage door, I had no hope, no hope or desire for recovery. I wanted to keep restricting, keep purging, and continue losing weight. My mom made it possible for me to see that light of hope. She objectively explained the things I am missing in my life, and what will happen if I continue down this path. I wasn’t living the life I had envisioned for myself, but I had lost control and didn’t know how to help myself back up again. My mom remained calm and collected and I always knew that if a day ever came when she lost hope, there would be no more hope for my recovery. Because of her perseverance, I am on the path to a successful recovery.

Common Misconceptions (Or maybe just misconceptions I had)

These are the things Ed convinced me of or that I thought last semester.

We only lose weight in the places we want to lose weight.

We can control Ed.

We don’t lose muscle, just fat.

You will be happy with your weight and how you look after you lose a couple of pounds.

Being thin will solve all other problems in your life.

You are gaining control by restricting or purging.

Nothing wrong/bad will ever happen to you or your body because you’ll never get to ‘that point’ and you’ll stop before you do.

People will judge you if they know that you have an eating disorder so it’s better not to tell anyone.

I’m fine because I’ve only been restricting for a few months.

Getting help is a sign that you can’t control yourself and is a sign of weakness.

Eating normal amounts will make you fat.

Hell at the Dinner Table

When I first arrived home, the dinner table was the last place on Earth I wanted to be. I had to face the most terrible, scary, and horrific thing: food. No one could force me to eat, until December 23. Family dinners were no longer the enjoyable, relaxing, debriefing part of the day, but a time of tears, fears, and misery. My days were spent anticipating and dreading meals, recalling the constant pain I had with each bite.

The main struggles were:

Stomach pain

Dizziness

Headache

Lethargy

Grumpiness

Super emotional

Thinking of how much weight I was gaining with every bite (that’s a lot of time spent thinking about food, although I was used to this from the previous months)

The good news is that most of the symptoms only lasted a few months. Once my body was used to regulating and digesting food, a lot of aspects improved. It just took a lot of patience and motivation. The more weight I gained, the less pain I had. Soon I was able to eat 4000+ calories a day (which is crucial for any weight gain).