Common Misconceptions (Or maybe just misconceptions I had)

These are the things Ed convinced me of or that I thought last semester.

We only lose weight in the places we want to lose weight.

We can control Ed.

We don’t lose muscle, just fat.

You will be happy with your weight and how you look after you lose a couple of pounds.

Being thin will solve all other problems in your life.

You are gaining control by restricting or purging.

Nothing wrong/bad will ever happen to you or your body because you’ll never get to ‘that point’ and you’ll stop before you do.

People will judge you if they know that you have an eating disorder so it’s better not to tell anyone.

I’m fine because I’ve only been restricting for a few months.

Getting help is a sign that you can’t control yourself and is a sign of weakness.

Eating normal amounts will make you fat.

Hell at the Dinner Table

When I first arrived home, the dinner table was the last place on Earth I wanted to be. I had to face the most terrible, scary, and horrific thing: food. No one could force me to eat, until December 23. Family dinners were no longer the enjoyable, relaxing, debriefing part of the day, but a time of tears, fears, and misery. My days were spent anticipating and dreading meals, recalling the constant pain I had with each bite.

The main struggles were:

Stomach pain

Dizziness

Headache

Lethargy

Grumpiness

Super emotional

Thinking of how much weight I was gaining with every bite (that’s a lot of time spent thinking about food, although I was used to this from the previous months)

The good news is that most of the symptoms only lasted a few months. Once my body was used to regulating and digesting food, a lot of aspects improved. It just took a lot of patience and motivation. The more weight I gained, the less pain I had. Soon I was able to eat 4000+ calories a day (which is crucial for any weight gain).

Can Ed Be My Friend?

I asked my mom on the plane a few days ago if maybe Ed would transform and decide to help me in my recovery process. I said “Ed wants me to go to India. If he changes, I think I could probably forgive him.” I would rather forgive someone than kill them (the alternative option). “Sometimes,” my mom said, “forgiveness is not an option and in this case, he will never transform. He is not a regular person.”

Because I think of Ed as a person, I can’t even begin to fathom the idea of killing him. Killing him? Doesn’t that seem a little extreme? People can change. I want Ed to change. I’ve always been known to please Ed and if he wants me better, then I can continue pleasing him and we can start fighting towards the same cause.

Make Light of Some Situations: Ed’s Still Speaks

“I keep running into things; I must be getting fatter.” Yes, I realize this is still an Ed comment, but at least it triggered some laughter at the lunch table. It’s true that I have gained a whopping 6.5 lbs in the past 2 weeks, after staying relatively stable for 2 months. My body is almost unrecognizable. I constantly worry: when will I ever stop gaining weight? I am going to become a blimp. How will my body know when to stop gaining weight and just maintain it?

I keep hearing, “The psychological stuff will be figured out when you are weight restored.” So I wonder: I am almost weight restored and Ed still yells at me daily. I can’t escape. No matter how hard I try, he fights back in new ways, infiltrating my mind and my family’s, trying to stump my parents in unimaginable ways. Sometimes, it’s portrayed through me with screaming or crying, other times I’m kindly sharing my food with others, so as to have less to eat. Sometimes, I know Ed is fighting back, but other times, he’s too tricky for even me to see.

My mom always tells me she’ll win and Ed will be destroyed. I said we should have a divorce ceremony and later, a funeral (when he’s totally gone and powerless).  Does my mom truly believe he will be defeated? Without her hope, I am hopeless. What if he lingers for years? What if he refuses to let me go, to let me do the things I want to be doing? How much longer can he keep me hostage? I think about these questions daily, still searching for answers. No such luck.


Please, Ed, let me go.

Me? Normal? Yes?

Today was the first day I did normal teenage (almost adult AHH!) activities: I saw friends, went out for lunch and dinner, and went to the dog park. I finally saw a little flashback and reminder of what my life used to be when I had complete freedom! This was the first day in months that food was not the topic of discussion and Ed’s voice was fading. I didn’t acknowledge Ed and couldn’t even hear his whispering in my ear. I am finally beginning to feel normal. 

Although I am very happy today, the clock is ticking away, getting closer and closer to my dreaded weigh-in day tomorrow morning, where my weeks work comes down to the flashing number on the digital scale. I know that if I don’t gain as much as I need to (specified by our contract) my freedom will be drained from me before my eyes and we will be back to square one.

Regardless of the results, I will be upset. Either my parents will be disappointed, or Ed will be yelling his typical phrases that I am so tired of hearing. I usually stand somewhere in the middle. Ed has such a big presence in my head, yet his vocabulary is very limited. His favorite phrases right now are: “You’re getting so fat. It’s disgusting.” “Stop eating so much.” “You’re no longer going to be the best at anything.” “You’re throwing away all your hard work.”

Yes, Ed, I am throwing away all my hard work. This is true. But recovery is even harder work and I don’t plan on ever needing to eat so much food in my life again.

Hopeful? Sometimes less so…

“Either my clothes are shrinking or I am growing,” I keep saying to my mom. I so badly want to believe that my clothes are shrinking. Obviously that isn’t what’s happening. The scale is proving my weight gain. I have one of two reactions: “Thank God I don’t have to eat any more food each day to gain weight or I’d probably explode” or “I wish I wasn’t gaining so much weight so I could look better in my clothes.” One is Lauren, one is Ed­. It is so hard for the Lauren voice to overpower Ed’s. He is so convincing, he is who I have been listening to for so long, obeying his every word.

Today, the green tunic didn’t fit like it used to, when I wasn't eating. So why does part of me wish it fit like it used to, even though I can acknowledge how unhealthy I was? Why is Ed winning today? Why is Ed taking control again? It’s hard to keep being hopeful when my thoughts still revolve so obsessively around my body and food, when Ed’s voice is often stronger than my mom’s, and when I can’t seem to be happy with myself. I can’t wait for the day when Ed is dead and Lauren’s voice is the only voice.

Hopefully Helpful Tips for Recovery: Maudsley

Inspirational quotes EVERYWHERE (I seriously mean everywhere: bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, car, windows, doors, anywhere!)

Meditation: My acupuncturist (who is awesome) told me the most useful tip I’ve heard to help make meditating easier. Rather than chanting a mantra or counting (which may work for you) breathe in something positive, and breathe out something negative. For example, I sometimes breathe in trust (in myself and parents) and breathe out guilt.

Breathing: Just stop once in a while a take a deep breathe, from the tummy. Instant relaxation that is always with you!

Journaling: I tend to only write in my journal when I am angry or upset, but my good friend Emily told me that it’s nice to put things in your journal that make you happy so when you flip through it, you can see the things in your life to be grateful for.

Going for walks: So therapeutic!!

Listening to good music: (I actually have a recovery playlist)

Create a specific contract with your family regarding weight goals and other issues that often arise in your family. It may sound awful but the contract should be focused on giving rewards rather than consequences, so chances are, you’ll actually be getting things you’ve wanted! 

Don’t be afraid to call friends or family: I still am, but just know that they probably want to help you and if you really need to let something go, it’s a great option!

You may want to do a blind weigh-in. I personally prefer to know my weight so I can see it gradually increase, but it’s a personal thing.

Avoid looking at yourself in the mirror, particularly the parts you want to change. Your eyes will naturally focus on the parts of your body that you dislike. Try focusing on the parts you do like.